07.24.25

 I haven't posted in what must be several years now for I-don't-know-why. I suppose because, 'why would I?'. But after scrounging through pages and pages of defunct family blogs I suddenly have the urge to record myself. 

     I start college in a few weeks, and I am nervous about so many things. It doesn't feel real to me, and yet it feels far too realistic to be what I have dreamt about for so long. Not getting to go to Portland truly feels life ending, in the dumbest way possible. I know I put too much of my hopes and dreams in to that place, but it feels as though I was so, so very close to achieving the life I have been longing for for so long and then I once again threw it away by being practical. Being realistic and smart about my decisions it seems has only brought me pain. I am still waiting for the supposed day it'll all pay off, but I lose hope each passing year and I find myself wishing I could knowingly make bad decisions. 

    M told me she isn't going to college, for no real reason other than she doesn't want to. I can sit in my room judging their decisions all I want, but at the end of the day they are happier than me. But on the other hand, I can't get behind this carelessness. What will they do in the future? Do they plan on being a restaurant host for the rest of their life? She mentioned wanting to buy a house....soon. I had to stop myself from laughing. They aren't even 19 yet, and she wants to buy a house...making $15 an hour, working virtually no hours. I can't even afford a one bedroom apartment making $2000 a month. M's sister is worse. I just don't understand how they can do it- make these huge life decisions on the whim like it doesn't even matter. But maybe it *doesn't* matter! I spent two years doing extra school work to get ahead and then ended up exactly where everyone else did. M chose not to attend early college with me because they wanted to stay close to their friends and at the time I thought that, too, was laughable and immature. But now look at me, I've wasted my time and missed out on high school memories.

 I suppose I will cut off my late night moping there. I have University orientation in the morning, which I am actually somewhat looking forward to, if only for the chance to meet some prospective friends.  

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